i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
