I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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