I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
