The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
well, you know. whores of a feather.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
