i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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