I'm so fucking centered right now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
