is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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