so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
