He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
