My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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