I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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