He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
