so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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