My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
