the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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