I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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