Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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