You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
