Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
