even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
