now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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