Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
