i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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