Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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