watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
