it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
