i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
