So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Randomize
