I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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