I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
never play flip cup with pint glasses
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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