I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
How many fucks given?
0.12846
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
