Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
