the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
