every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
