My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
