god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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