I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
