the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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