I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
