Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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