Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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