She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
