My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
