I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
