I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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