I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
