Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
