Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
