You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
