nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
