you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
