I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
