I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize