he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
