I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
