I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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