the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
